Well that was a completely random paragraph. What was I going to say? Oh yes, humph-re-humph, I've just got to college, but I'm later than the Postman is delivering my mail on a bank holiday Monday. For those of you that do not go to High Pavement College for the mentally retarded, then you wont know that being 5 minutes late for a lesson means they lock the doors and say “No Dogs Aloud!” I personally think this is a stupid rule, and for once, a massive fire and safety hazard. It wont be too long before they realise this and say “Oh mighty Womble, thank you for being fantastic and completely correct on this is, and every, issue.” Okay I'm not that big headed, they wont just grovel they will build a huge statue of me, in my honour when I leave. On the roof. Shaped like a Penis! And they don't really lock the doors... Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, and possible other Wombles that might be reading this, I told a little fib. Very shocking, is it not? No, they only put a mental barrier, causing shame towards all your family for your tardiness, if you do walk in late. And then, tell you to piss off.
And if you do go to High Pavement College, then well done you just managed to read two pointless paragraphs, and this being the third.
So on this odd occasion, I am late to lesson. But do not fear, all my teachers at High Pavement are actually rather nice and let me in anyway. But my drama teacher on the other hand, at Clarendon College, known for the vast amounts of Chavs that live there, does not let me into lessons when I am late. (This is the point where I need to explain a few things to almost all of my readers that do not do A-levels, or any other course at NCN. NCN meaning New College (that seams surprisingly old) Nottingham. NCN is spread over 5 – 10 colleges around and in Nottingham. I say 5-10 because nobody is actually 100% sure on the true figure. Two of these Colleges include High Pavement Sixth Form College and Clarendon College. As you may of guessed High Pavement is where all the clever/dumb people go to do their A-levels. (I say clever/dumb because you have to be both clever and stupid to do any A-levels, anywhere.) Now High Pavement does not take on certain retarded A-levels. (Which is God damned rude in my opinion.) So if you think Drama is easy, and you want to do it then you have to prance all the way from the centre of Nottingham to Clarendon College every bloody day. Bastards!) And that makes a fourth pointless paragraph if you already knew this information.
There are numerous amounts of moans I should make to give an adequate self-fulfilment of my desired task to slag off Clarendon College. I will try and cram everything in as best as I can but my mind is very impatient and wants some ice cream. And to be honest I don't know how much longer I can keep my urges at bay. So I can't promise this will be a fast read. Hell I'm still in the flaming introduction!
I'm going to start (yes start) at the very beginning. The entrance to Clarendon College is a mess. For starters there are entrance several doors, all automatic, but mainly closed and locked. The only door a student is aloud to travel through is the main entrance. This is damned inconvenient for me as the stupid main door positioned itself 1 mile away from the drama department. It should live next to my drama lesson and be a happy door. But the thing that pisses me off so much is that there is a locked entrance to the College right next to my bloody bus stop. This door is a sad door that's conveniently next to my drama room, just to piss me off. Not only do I have to walk a mile from the main entrance to get to my drama room but I have to walk another mile from the bus stop to God damned main entrance. A pointless 2 mile walk in one day. Wait, it's four miles cause I have to do it all over again when I come out of lesson.
I apologise for the inconvenience but I still haven't finished “going on” about the main entrance. I will give you a break from reading to do whatever you have to do . . . NOW! And if you didn't take the break this is an instant paragraph change. Also this makes a fifth pointless paragraph and yes I had loss count and had to scroll up my laptop screen to see what we were on.
So the main entrance. Not only is it hard to get to, and from the main entrance, but it's a bitch walking through it. I am talking about security. They have security guards situated at the door, and most annoyingly, security gates. These can only be opened, from the outside, with your college I.D card. (I will get back to the security guards later, don't you worry.) The scanners are terrible. I have no idea which way the cards are meant to go. And most of all I don't know how they work. I have been going to this College for two years and still haven't got a clue. Yes folks, for two years I have sneaked in the College, behind someone else after they open the gate with their I.D card. Which makes the whole idea pointless in the first place. I have heard a rummer that someone, a couple of years ago now, posted on the internet, that they would come to their old college (Clarendon (as you have probably guessed)) and shoot everyone they see. This is slightly believable because, hey, it is Nottingham, so yes tighten security by all means, but all this gunman would have to do is copy what I have been doing for two years. The guard's don't help either (Told you I would get back to it.) All they do all day is walk around the café, chatting up the cooks. They are helped by this because, conveniently, the café is directly next to the main entrance. The guards aren't very clever either. I swore I saw some stranger, walk up to one of the guards and ask if he could be let in. And guess what, the guard let him in. The idiots. That postman could have been anyone.
I've kind of forgotten what the main purpose of me writing this was in the first place. I'm aware that, through all this moaning, I haven't even mentioned it once and I've already gone on far too long. So, I apologise yet again. You will have to bear with me. The thing with writing is that I can take all the time in the world to complete it and you would never know. Actually, all the time in the world at one given moment is it's own paradox. To get the one given moment you require, you would have to find some way of stopping time. This leading to the point that there would be no time at the one given moment when you have all the time in the world . . .
Bloody hell Nora, I've done it again. But I think I remember what the main goal of this moaning session is about. College cancellations. It's retarded. I never know if a lesson is on or off because I'm never bloody informed. They need to invest in some sort of texting system to let you know when a lesson is off or on. I mean COME ON! Some people have spent a lot of bloody money on the over priced buses (see part 2 of my intellectually moanathon) and get to college and find it was all for bloody nothing. Awesome! And by luck, it happens when I have only one lesson in a day. They are all a bunch of Wazzocks if you ask me!!
I think I will rap it up here. Look deep into your hearts and try to forgive me for my sins of rambling craziness. I do have more to tell you on these, and other, matters so do not even hesitate for a second to ask about them. Please call me on my home phone number: 01623 798723 Nah I'm only kidding, it's not my real phone number . . . OR IS IT? There is only one way to find out now isn't there . . . Also I would like to inform you that this product is none returnable and if you have any problem with the usage, space or the general gist of it then TOUGH! This knowledge has now been passed on to you. Do with it what you must, but do not try and return it. And I must emphasis no dyslextorian-humph-re-hump
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